Narcissistic Parents: What They Are & How They Affect the Family

Narcissists have an inflated understanding of their own selves, which can make them outright awful parents. In some cases, narcissistic parents may only lack empathy and not engage much with their children at all. In other instances, they may see their children as extensions of themselves and force their personalities, interests, and opinions on their children with no room for individuality. They may be extremely critical of their children the moment those children deviate from what they want, for example, trying to be independent.

How Narcissistic Parents Affect Their Children

The damage a narcissistic parent can do when left unchecked is untold. Children can become co-dependent, develop severe anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, or may have a terrible blueprint when it comes to forming relationships. In short, a narcissistic parent could result in that child growing up and entering into other abusive relationships because it was normal growing up for them to see relationships like this.

This does not mean that someone with narcissistic personality disorder cannot be a decent parent or even a good one. Like many things with the psyche, it’s important to understand what you are doing and why and that you need to take active steps to stop it. Unless you are that person, however, there is very little you can do to force another person to be a better parent, especially if you are separated.

How to Shield Your Children from a Narcissistic Parent

That being said, co-parenting, navigating divorce, and dealing with a narcissistic parent as the other co-parent can be difficult. You cannot force your former partner to go get the help they need to manage their disorder. In fact, they are now your last priority. You and your children are the top priority.

• Seek Help

Even if you get sole custody, having a narcissistic parent can take its toll. That’s why you need to follow the advice outlined in this Two Healthy Homes – co parenting with a narcissist guide. It outlines the challenges of co parenting with a narcissist and how you can better protect yourself and your child from their influence.

A few of the active changes that you can make, for example, is to set firm boundaries so that they are less likely to cross those boundaries or try to manipulate you. This can be hard to do, especially if you have experienced abuse in your relationship and don’t have the solid foundation needed to shield yourself against them and their influence effectively.

That’s why it’s so important to seek out therapy for both yourself and your child. Working out how you feel and changing your pattern of thinking in terms of thinking is essential to move forward in a healthy way. A therapist can help you understand your ex’s behavior as well, just as a child psychologist can help your child do the same.

• Protect Yourself Legally

You’ll also need to protect yourself legally. A key characteristic of a narcissistic parent is lying and manipulation. To keep them honest, document everything. Keep all records of texts, emails, and even record your conversations. This is very important if they get CPS or the courts involved with a fake accusation. Check the recording rights in your state before you do this, but know the rule is usually that only one person needs to be consenting (aka, you).

This is going to be particularly important if your narcissistic partner is a woman. Traditionally, courts favor mothers over fathers in custody battles, especially if the mother is accusing you of all these terrible things. Don’t react to it. Simply keep collections of all the conversations you have, and have your lawyer do the talking for you. Divorcing or even just breaking up with a narcissist can be difficult at the best of times. It’s worse when you have children to think about. 

How to Engage with Your Narcissistic Ex

Working with a therapist to develop a thicker skin, so to speak, can do wonders towards helping you co parent with a narcissist. It can be so hard not to take what they say personally when it’s targeted, but they are simply going for the low blow. You need to be unflappable so that you can model the healthiest behavior for your children. How can they not take what their parent says seriously if you do? You need to be the rock they can turn to, so work on building that skillset with a therapist that specializes in cases like yours.